Beware the Evil of… Orthodontists!

Don’t think I’m on to you! This could possibly be the most evil branch of medicine… right after Biostatistics (WHY ANYBODY WOULD INVENT THAT IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION!). Orthodontists are the dentists in charge of the mouth (although they have to do with nearly the entire head structure).

Anyway, I warn all of you, these Doctors are nothing but evil! After being diagnosed with evidently screwed-up teeth, I was told to pay quite the amount of money for a special “treatment” that lasts two years! Nonsense! They didn’t go to a magic school to fix problems within two years, I thought that the voodoo, called “BIOLOGY” was something that fixed problems immediately (just teasing)! They insert you into the treatment with bands that soak up water and separate your teeth first. The pain! The evil! Your saliva is over 90% water, how would they NOT grow!? They stop you from eating, and limit your tongue to less movement as anything will cause pain! The worst part? They will make me quit being a 100% natural human to be a cyborg… a metal mouth! But once the two years are over I’ll be even less human… as I will be one step closer to perfection!

I’m on to you! Be careful all!

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19 Responses to Beware the Evil of… Orthodontists!

  1. Billy Crystal says:

    First off, first off, I’d just like to ask, can I buy some pot from you? Because the ranting and raving you’re going on about is generally acquitted to those who’ve just done a whole bag and are looking for things to bitch about. Do you have ANY idea, first how fucking stupid you sound? I’ve a neighborhood of singing Chihuahuas I’d rather listen too than sit here and read some child whine about,” oh no, sob sob, BRACES!” And second, WHY they do this in the first place?

    You see Mati, it’s a very simple thing, either you correct the structure of your mouth, or the structure is no longer there. It is void, vacant, gone, you go to chew something and you fucking can’t because you couldn’t put up with a little pain.

    You do realize there are people in this world, Mati, younger than you by far, who do not eat, who do not read, who often sleep near the same ground where they bury their own shit, and who do not know what name to give to this sensation we know as pain merely because they do not know well enough how to define things? They lack the proper mental capacity to even consider having adult teeth whereas you are probably richer than they are by LEAGUES. And still you bitch about something that’s supposed to HELP YOU.

    You don’t want braces? Fine, I’ll fly you over Zimbabwe or maybe Colombia and drop you off. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you fall in a body of water, ass first. Those vampire fish that swim up the urethra and latch on with barbs are REAL fun, Mati, you’ll see. But eventually you’ll get beyond that, eventually you’ll find land, but maybe then, things still don’t go well, you get picked up, brought to a room where there’s a bed, a nice chair, and every half hour a big fat black man comes in and tells you to act “pretty” for a little while. But still you go on, because you know eventually, it’ll end, though you wish death would come.

    Because here’s the big fucking secret, Mati. It ends, the pain goes away, your teeth look better. You’re in pain now, sure, but you know it will end, because everything does. And at least for one instance, for one guarantee, you’ll be better off because of it. We should all be so lucky. To know that the filth and the lies and the world around us is going to have a guaranteed happy ending. Why do you think we go on doing what we do? Hm? Because we can’t guarantee it, but we can damn well try.

    Your whining like this, I don’t like it, Mati. You do it again and I won’t be responsible for what happens. I’ve lurked A Nice Place for a long time now, and yes, reveled in some of it’s more Billy Crystal friendly posts, and I’ve come to learn one thing. A Nice Place is NOT about whining about your own problems, it’s about pointing out everyone else’s problems.

    The sooner you understand that and grow a pair, the sooner I can get back to enjoying my time here! *hovers ominously before flying away*

  2. Keljeck says:

    This is a family blog Billy Crystal!

  3. Billy Crystal says:

    FUCK YOU, KEL! THIS KID HAD TO BE DISCIPLINED THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW! Monologues are my most effect attack, you know. *speaks to vampire fish* ….. *vampire fish attack Kel* See?

  4. Keljeck says:

    AH! VAMPIRE FISH!

  5. Dragonmati says:

    Billy Crystal called me Emo… it is somewhat truthful! *cries in shame of his entire family: past present and future*

  6. ChocoMooseMan says:

    Wooooah there, Billy. No need to involve the fish. They’ve been through enough persecution. Being called vampires and all. It hurts their delicate psyche’s!

  7. Billy Crystal says:

    I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE STUPID FISH! Don’t you people understand? Not even you, moose? With the pictures? The nice funny pictures? Or you, Kel, with the quotes? Can’t you people see!? HE’S GONE TOO FAR! AND NO ONE CARES! Wait…that has to be it…you’re all in on it together…ganging up on me……..you can’t see it…can’t…see it…but with these…these glasses, you’ll all soon see! PUT ON THE GLASSES! PUT EM ON! PUT EM ON! *punches Moose* PUT EM ON!

  8. ChocoMooseMan says:

    You’re crazy! I’m not putting those glasses on, man! *punches Billy Crystal*

  9. Billy Crystal says:

    You HAVE to! They’re the only way you’ll see! Nnno…won’t do it….can’t…have you do this….TO ME!!! I’M CHARGING MY TIME-PUNCH! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHEEEHAHEEEEEEHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *punches Moose through time* Good bye moose, maybe NOW the rest of you will understand, you don’t mess with the natural order, now PUT. ON. THE GLASSES.

  10. Keljeck says:

    CHOCOOOO!!!

    WE DON’T DEAL WITH PUNKS LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!! BILLY CRYSTAL!

  11. Billy Crystal says:

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’M BILLY CRYSTAL!

  12. Dragonmati says:

    DON’T TOUCH THE A NICE PLACE™ CROWD!

    *get’s a lance and jumps on Billy Crystal*

  13. Billy Crystal says:

    Heh, stupid kid. *flies up to 32,000 feet* I wanted to bring you up here, and show you something. I wanted to show you that no matter what you bring against me, there would be nothing you could do. Because as soon as you defeat me, you would plunge to your own death. But, that’s if you could ever hope to defeat me.

    Honestly now, what were you thinking? A lance? Who uses a lance? Especially when you’re going to jump onto a person. It’s an incredibly brace-faced move.

    Now then, *spins around violently* DO YOU SEE NOW?! THE TORRENTIAL WELL THAT IS MY POWER?! DO YOU?! I WILL SHOW YOU THE WORST THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER, AND ONLY THEN, WILL I LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH IT FOR ALL ETERNITY!! *stops spinning, sending Mati flying down into a Colombian Lake*

  14. Keljeck says:

    STOP THIS SENSELESS VIOLENCE!

  15. Billy Crystal says:

    Oh I’ll stop alright, Kel. I’ll stop when you PUT. ON. THE GLASSES.

  16. Keljeck says:

    FINE! *puts on the glasses*

    THE GLASSES! ZE DO NOTHING!

  17. Billy Crystal says:

    MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU’VE FALLEN FOR IT AT LAST!!! *disappears into the night* BILLY CRYSTAL AWAAAAY!

  18. Keljeck says:

    CURSE YOU BILLY CRYSTAL!

    *tries to take the glasses off*

    They… they won’t come off.

  19. Dragonmati says:

    I WILL GET MY REVENGE BILLY CRYSTAL!

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